In relationships, good communication is key. But sometimes, unhealthy patterns can sneak in and cause harm. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, identified four common destructive behaviors. He calls them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because they can signal the end of a relationship if left unchecked.
Here’s a breakdown of the Four Horsemen and how to fight them:
1. Criticism
What is it?
Criticism is when you attack your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific issue. It focuses on blaming or pointing out flaws, which can make your partner feel attacked.
Example:
“You never listen to me! You’re always distracted.”
How to Fix It:
Replace criticism with a complaint focused on the specific behavior. Instead of saying “You never listen,” try “I feel upset when I talk and you’re on your phone. Can we talk when we’re both focused?”
Exercise: Practice using “I” statements: “I feel (emotion) when (situation) happens.” This keeps the focus on how the behavior affects you without blaming your partner.
2. Contempt
What is it?
Contempt is the most harmful of the Four Horsemen. It involves showing disrespect through sarcasm, mocking, or name-calling. It’s like saying, “I’m better than you.”
Example:
“Wow, great job cleaning the kitchen. You missed a spot, genius.”
How to Fix It:
To fight contempt, practice gratitude and appreciation. Look for things your partner does well, and express that. Contempt grows in negativity, but appreciation nurtures connection.
Exercise: Each day, share one thing you appreciate about your partner. This helps build respect and positive feelings.
3. Defensiveness
What is it?
Defensiveness is when you make excuses or shift blame when your partner brings up an issue. Instead of owning up to your role, you protect yourself by deflecting.
Example:
“It’s not my fault! You’re the one who didn’t remind me about the appointment.”
How to Fix It:
Instead of being defensive, take responsibility for your actions, even if it’s just a small part of the problem.
Exercise: Next time you catch yourself getting defensive, pause. Take a breath and say something like, “You’re right, I could have done that differently.” This shifts the focus to solving the issue together.
4. Stonewalling
What is it?
Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down and withdraws from the conversation. It often happens when someone feels overwhelmed and emotionally flooded. But ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.
Example:
Your partner is upset, but instead of responding, you stay silent or walk away.
How to Fix It:
If you feel overwhelmed, let your partner know you need a break. But commit to returning to the conversation when you’re calmer.
Exercise: Practice self-soothing techniques like deep breathing or going for a short walk. These help reduce stress so you can re-engage in the conversation more effectively.
How Couples Can Work on Themselves
Healthy communication doesn’t come naturally to everyone. But with effort, couples can learn to communicate better and prevent the Four Horsemen from taking over. Here are some areas to focus on and exercises that can help:
- Building Emotional Awareness:
Understand your own emotions before reacting. When you feel yourself getting upset, take a moment to breathe and think about what’s really bothering you. This helps you avoid lashing out in criticism or defensiveness. - Creating Rituals of Connection:
Spend quality time together, whether it’s through regular date nights, morning coffee together, or just checking in at the end of each day. These moments help strengthen your emotional bond, making it easier to navigate conflicts. - Improving Active Listening Skills:
Focus on truly listening to your partner without interrupting. Reflect back what you’ve heard to show you understand. This helps both partners feel heard and reduces the chances of miscommunication. - Repair Attempts:
In the middle of an argument, try to make a repair attempt—a joke, a smile, or a kind word to defuse the tension. Successful repair attempts can stop the horsemen in their tracks and keep the conversation on track.
By identifying and working on these behaviors, couples can reduce conflict and build a stronger, more connected relationship. The key is to recognize the Four Horsemen early and take steps to replace them with healthier communication habits. Small, consistent changes can make a big difference in your relationship.
